Tops and tails
by cein
Summary: Torchwood must go undercover. It's a dirty job but somebody has to do it :- Team fic


Author: Ceindreadh  
Title: Tops and tails  
Rating: PG-15  
Genre: Humour  
Warnings: none, apologies to Irving Berlin  
Summary: Torchwood have to investigate an alien sighting. It's a dirty job, but somebody has to do it.  
Notes: Set in S2, pre Reset

Prompt was a picture of a top hat and a pair of gloves.

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"I'm, putting on my top hat," sang Jack, suiting the actions to the words as he tilted the hat to a jaunty angle. "Tying up my white tie, brushing up my tails!" He whistled happily as he quickly tied a bow tie around his neck and then pulled on a pair of silk gloves. "Hey Ianto, how do I look?" He winked at himself in the mirror before turning around.

"Yes Jack, you look very fetching," said Ianto, "But could you *please* I put on the rest of your clothes as well?"

Jack turned back to the mirror for a few seconds. "Ianto, I think I need a bigger hat."

Owen snorted from his position in the corner where he was gloomily surveying his own outfit, "Yeah Harkness, always knew you were a bit big headed!"

"Oh it's not this head that's too big," said Jack, grinning widely. He turned around again.

And indeed, it was not the head on his shoulders that was bearing the weight of the top hat this time.

Ianto banged his head against the dressing table and wondered, not for the first time, just how he let himself get dragged into these situations. "Where's a good apocalypse when you need one," he muttered.

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The day before

"So in future," said Jack, as they sat around the conference table. "Always use the blue gloves when picking up Sterpalwu by their tentacles. We don't know what percentage of their population has a latex allergy, and I don't want to find out the hard way." He muttered to himself, "Never doing *that* again!" Out loud he said, "So, Gwen, you said you had a report on a possible alien sighting in a night club?"

"Yeah, Andy gave me a tip about some police reports that had been filed recently." Gwen picked up a page from the pile in front of her. "Apparently there's been a number of strange sightings, all centred around a particular night club. Pretty much all of them were blamed on too much drink, but the descriptions are pretty consistent. Might be worth checking out."

"What club is it?" asked Jack.

"Tops and Tails, strip club," said Gwen, reading from her notes. She looked up to see that she had the full attention of Owen and Jack. Ianto meanwhile, was looking at her suspiciously.

"I think we should check it out," said Owen quickly. "Go in undercover as a couple of punters, see what we can find out."

"If the management *are* up to something," said Tosh, "We're hardly likely to find out as customers. It'll be the staff that know everything."

Owen looked as if all lotto numbers had come up. "I second that suggestion."

Jack was looking at Gwen and Tosh, and didn't see Ianto's attempts to catch his eye. "Gwen? What do you think?"

"Owen's right," said Gwen. "If there's anything to find out, we'll have a better chance at finding it if we work backstage as well as the front of the house."

Jack sat back in his chair with a smile, "Okay then. Get on to the management and see if they're hiring. Owen, Ianto and I will dig out our glad rags and get ready for a night on the town. Maybe pretend we're on a stag night. "

Ianto was shaking his head in disbelief as Gwen replied, "Oh didn't I mention it Jack, Tops and Tails specializes in hen nights, and they're very proud of their *male* strippers."

Owen and Jack's jaws dropped simultaneously. Ianto buried his head in his hands and contemplated dire punishments for all his teammates.

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"This is all *your* fault, Owen," growled Ianto.

"Mine? Why do you always blame me?" said Owen.

"Saves time," said Jack, turning this way and that before the mirror. "Ianto, I don't think I need all these layers. Isn't the whole point to get naked in front of these women as quickly as possible?"

"No Jack, that's not the point. We are here to entertain the audience, to tease and titillate them. Attractive and all as your body is, if these women were looking for simple nudity they'd go online. They're here for a show. And if we don't give it to them, well lets just say that you might be able to add 'being torn to pieces by a bunch of women' to your list of ways you've died."

"Actually, there was this one time in a convent..."

"I think I'm gonna be sick," said Owen.

"Tough," said Ianto. "If you hadn't been so eager to get a night at a strip club on the Torchwood account, we might have been able to come up with a better plan." He turned to Jack, "And don't think I don't know that you're looking forward to this. I know you had Tosh sneak out that alien camera from the archives. The one with the 3-D lens."

"What?" yelped Owen. "That settles it, no way am I going out there!"

"Don't worry, Owen," snapped Ianto, "There's a magnifying facility on it as well!"

"Okay children, play nicely," said Jack, as he finished buttoning his shirt. "Ianto, there's nothing to worry about. We go out, do a little dance, take our clothes off, keep an eye out for aliens. Pretty much an average day for you and me." He moved over to where Ianto was sitting, wrapping his arm around the younger man's shoulders. "What's really bothering you?"

Ianto leaned into the hug, and mumbled something into Jack's chest.

"What was that?"

Ianto pulled his face away, "I said, I can't dance, I've got two left feet!"

Jack kissed Ianto on the top of the head. "All you have to do is trust me, and follow my lead."

"I always do, and I always will."

The tender moment was broken by the sound of Owen making gagging noises. Ianto shot him a withering glance as he pulled away from Jack and put the final touches to his costume.

A few minutes later, the three men - two of them nervous ones - were standing in the wings, gloves on, ties tied, top hats at the ready, trying to hear the announcer over the noise of the crowd.

"Oh Ianto," said Jack, "Just one more thing...trust me, once your clothes come off, nobody but nobody is going to be looking at your feet!

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Meanwhile, outside in the club, Tosh and Gwen were waiting impatiently at their table, the empty glasses in front of them testament to their dedication to the cause. "So," said Gwen, taking another sip of her cocktail. "When are we going to tell them that the 'alien' was just a tourist on her hen night who accidentally let her disguise slip?"

Tosh checked her equipment again; making sure it was all ready for use. "Oh I don't know, maybe after I've used up all the film!"

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The End


End file.
